So, I hope everyone’s having a lovely New Year so far ^^ LET’S RUIN IT WITH ANGST, SHALL WE? BWAHAHAHA. Here’s the Tao angst you requested, g_ucci! Sorry if it’s not up to snuff, it’s been a while since I’ve written, as you all know ^^;
Of course, as usual, your emotions had other plans. Here you were, crouched beside her grave tears falling into the dry soil covering her casket. As realization hit that the years you’d spent with her began to rival those you had spent without, you felt emptier than you had when the wound was fresh.
Far worse off, however, was your friend Tao. He didn’t shed a single tear, but you knew it wasn’t because he didn’t care. Oh no, quite the contrary. The poor boy cared too much.
Five years later, he still loved the girl that meant so much to both of you, and was showing no signs of letting go.
At this thought, the tears fell harder, knowing he always loved her and that you were never an option to him.
Truth be told, you’d had feelings for him for about as long as he’d had them for her, but perhaps it just something that was never meant to manifest. You knew that even now, both of you almost twenty years old with nowhere to go, that Tao would never truly let go on that first love.
Seeing your best friend’s (you would never stop calling her that) name engraved into the thick slab of stone in the ground, you didn’t know whether to feel sorrow or envy. You had thought many times over the years, what if it had been you stuck in a hospital bed for months on end, just another victim of leukemia to the doctors? Maybe then she and Tao could live happily together and you wouldn’t have to live with the pain of knowing that now, none of you could be happy.
Tao stood there, staring at the sky, when you heard him whisper your name. Turning your attention in response, you heard him ask, “Do you think there’s a heaven? That maybe she’s able to see us here right now?”
You hoped with every ounce of your being at that moment that there wasn’t because even with her gone, seeing Tao in this light felt like a sin.
You could see the sheer pain in his eyes, and almost heard his heart ripping further in half than it already had as his gaze remained fixated at the stars. You weren’t sure if he was hoping to somehow see her in the few clouds that were present that night, or if he was trying to look anywhere but at the grave; at the stone carving that made it all feel real.
A simple shrug was the only response you managed to offer the boy.
A sigh escaped his lips, once doused in pain and longing. “If there’s one thing I wish I could have done while she was here, it would be to tell her that I loved her.” He was silent for a moment before saying to the sky in a voice barely above a whisper. “I hope somehow she’s listening now, so she can know that I still do.”
That was about all your heart could handle at the moment, and you got to your feet to leave. You couldn’t stand to hear him continue to whisper sweet nothings to someone who would never hear them. Not when you were here, more than willing to listen to them, eager to drink them in, even.
“Where are you going?” you heard him ask you. Turning around, you saw his face, now dotted with a few tears.
“Tao, I’m sorry, I just-“ you paused, need a moment to collect your thoughts. “This is just too hard to handle. I have to go.”
Before you realized his actions, his arms were around you in an attempt to comfort you.
“I know how hard this is for you, too,” he said.
“Really?” you asked. A small sliver of hope opened up within you. Maybe, just maybe…
“Of course. You were her best friend. No matter how strongly I felt, and still do feel about her, nothing I had with her would ever compare to the relationship you two shared.”
That sliver shrunk back into a scar. Of course he didn’t know, you had tried so hard to hide it. You had just hoped that maybe… maybe, he was starting to come back to reality.
No matter what either of you… what anyone did, she was never coming back. You had accepted that fact long ago.
Tao seemed too far in denial of this fact to ever come back from it.
Forcing yourself from his hold, you sprinted home. At this point, you didn’t care that you left him hanging there. You’d paid your respects, leaving a few of her favorite flower atop her tomb. Besides, it was probably better to give him some alone time with her.
Little did you know, a few streets over, Tao sat at her grave in shock. He didn’t know why, but when you ripped yourself from his embrace, he felt the hole in his heart grow larger than it had ever been.
Tears subconsciously fell, and he fell asleep by her gravestone that night, still wondering why he felt that way and why he was so frustrated by it.